Why Kids are Lame (and I Am Not)

Children are 100% lame! But they do have cute clothes, other than that, they're just tiny idiots. And the worst part, is their adult chaperon, aka parent, who adores their every retarded detail. Somehow, every word out of their snagatooth mouth is intelligence not known to any other child. My friend was constantly telling me how smart her child was, simply because the child asked "What time is it?" Okay, "what time is it?" is a pretty common question. A retard will ask for the time. It just means that your child is a parrot and will repeat anything it hears. This also indicates that she will not be able to keep a secret, therefore, she won't have any friends and will grow up to resent and kill you. So no, I don't agree that you are the mother of the genius who will one day cure cancer. And No, I don't want you to show me the 100th picture of Junior doing absolutely nothing interesting. Unless, your kid got a nose job, I'm pretty sure it still looks exactly the same.

I am most likely not going to have children of my own. I wouldn't have children unless I am married and although I will date anyone, and I do mean anyone, I am a little more selective when it comes to having children. But, if I ever got a hold of Jay Z's sperm and impregnated myself, I am certain that my child would be the cutest baby ever and would probably say the darnest things!

P.S. And if you're a parent and you are offended by this, first let me say thanks for reading my retarded blog, and second, you being offended just means that you're a bad parent.

Yes, We Can! (Or Can We?)

Yes, we can! If Barack says we can, then we can. But can I? The Obamas have been inspiring and I must admit, a little depressing. Am I capable of finding a man like Barry? Probably not. Given my track record, my choice in men lead no paths to the Barack-Michelle type of love. I'm pretty sure Barack won't be sneaking into the White House in the early morning and lying about his where abouts. And I don't believe he'd ask a Secret Service agent to cover for him while he's screwing a female lobbyist and pretending to be on official presidential business. And he most certainly won't have to lie, saying the young lady with whom he was seen having brunch, was a Senator from Florida! No she's not a Senator, she's a common day whore! But then again, I'm no Michelle. I don't have a successful (or existing) career. I'm not in shape, by far. And I'm definitely not having any babies. So, I guess I just answered my own question. No, I can't. Oh well, I didn't think I could.

Enjoying Your Depression

The first step to enjoying your depression is throw out all of your anti-depressant medications. Don't worry, I will vindicate the drug companies in the latter part of this post. Second, DO NOT try to face reality. It will only complicate things and give you the false impression that things are "fixable." Believe me, they ain't. There is only one true hope for coping with depression. Sleeping Pills. Sleeping pills take you to a place where none of this shit really matters. However, sleeping pills can present a few minor problems. For example, immunity. You can become immune to a particular type of sleeping pill if you don't take them in a variety. You can also mismanage your allowed sleeping time and oversleep. This can consequent in missing important events, like work or a funeral. So make sure you diversify your sleeping meds and carefully manage your sleep time. And always remember, you can't cry if your asleep.

Suddenly (but not surprisingly) Single

So once again, and for the last time (again) my boyfriend has left me, again. I would like to take this opportunity to say "happy trails". And along on that happy trail, I hope he is shot and killed. I take that back, I don't hope the gun wound is fatal. Anywho, I don't suppose that I will have any luck dating in California. I refuse to date a guy who wears skinny jeans. I like my men in the hetero category. And I wouldn't dare date a guy who walks around with a bluetooth device flashing in his ear. Your hands cannot be that damn busy! So I'll probably be single for awhile. That's fine by me! Gives me a little more time to focus on my time machine haunt. Besides, I need to get my shit together. I shouldn't be this fat and I should probably have a career by now. I guess I should also start combing my hair and putting on clothes. But then again, I'd rather be sleeping. surprisingly

Happy Birthday

I have yet to decide whether or not I will acknowledge my birthday this year. Once again, in the previous year I wasted another 364 days of bullshitting my life away. So the one woman jury is still out on aging 26 years without any decent accomplishments. However, should I decide to become the world's dumbest 26 year old, I am going to celebrate at the most magical place on earth. Two reasons. Reason one, Disneyland has been advertising free admission on your birthday. And no, there is no age limit. (and since the only thing that I have managed to do successfully, is to not become someones baby mama, this will be the only chance or reason I have to go without any children). Reason two, Disneyland is supposed to be the most magical place on earth! Time machines operate off magic. Why wouldn't they have a time machine stashed in the back?